What leadership and parenting have in common

It recently struck me that leading teams has a lot of things in common with parenting.

Here are some examples that came to mind:

Kind, clear, empathic

We need to communicate in a kind, clear and empathic way.  Both in leadership and in parenting we need to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and discover what is important to them in the situation.   From this space the other person feels heard and understood and is more receptive to our communication.  We are then in a better position to communicate our request or the boundary that needs to be set and why they are important. 

Co-create

In parenting and in leadership it is helpful if we involve the other person in the solution or in designing the next steps going forward.  They then become an ally and co-creator, and are therefore more likely to take ownership of the project or change alongside the parent or leader and cooperate.

Signal a change is coming

In both leadership and parenting situations, it is important to signal an upcoming change or transition before it happens.  Change and uncertainty are scary for us as human beings.  Therefore, if we communicate in advance what is about to happen, what needs to be done and what is expected of the other person, we can put them at ease and are more likely to get buy-in and cooperation.   

Bring three solutions

As a leader or parent, it is helpful to have a policy that before approaching you for help, your children or team members should come up with three solutions on their own.  This way we signal to our people that we believe in their ability to solve problems, whilst we remain a source of support. 

Sometimes we can get playful  – we can give our people permission to come up with ‘magic’ or outrageous solutions, even if they will not necessarily be implemented.  This will open up their thinking to new possibilities they may not have thought of previously.

Catch them doing something right

In parenting and in leadership it is important to notice the things that are going well and recognise what our children or team members are good at.   As the saying goes ‘catch them doing something right’.  We should then reward the positive behaviours we want to see more of. This way the focus is not always on the negative or what is missing or can be improved.

Calm communication

It is essential that we do not force important conversations when emotions are running high.  When our emotions are in overdrive, we are unable to think clearly or rationally.  It is better for both parties to take a break and return to the conversation at a later time when things are calmer. 

This is where as parents or leaders we need to be in tune with our mental state and our emotional reactions.  This involves ongoing work on self-awareness.  Self-awareness leads to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge leads to self-mastery.  Self-mastery is the ability to choose our responses in a given situation, rather than being hijacked by our emotions.  (Click on these links if you would like to read other articles on self-reflection and dealing with our emotions.)

Vulnerability

Admitting our struggles or imperfections can be important factor for building our relationships and trust with our children and our teams.  This does not mean downloading all our problems to them.  Rather, it means we can share at appropriate times that we sometimes struggle too.

As parents we can say ‘let’s find out together’, or ‘even adults don’t know everything’.

As leaders, our role is not to have all the answers – our role is to lead our teams into drawing on their unique expertise and supporting them to get creative and resourceful in finding solutions. 

Questions and curiosity

In both leadership and parenting, being curious trumps being directive or prescriptive.    Curiosity essentially means asking questions, rather than jumping into dishing out commands or advice.  Of course, there will be times when we must avert a crisis or look after the safety of our people – those situations call for firm directions or advice.  (There are several great books on this subject by Michael Bungay Stanier, which I highly recommend.)

In most cases, curiosity will give us a treasure trove of information about the thinking and motivations of our people.  They are also a tool for empowering and encouraging the other person to think and discover solutions on their own, eg: 

• when the other person is venting, to encourage them to express all their concerns:  ‘What else?’;

• when they mess up, instead of jumping into chastising or discipline, we can compassionately ask:  ‘What result were you hoping for when you did X?’;

• to discover a person’s motivations and values:  ‘What is most important to you in this situation?’;

• to get to the real problem:  ‘What is the real challenge here for you?’;

• to discover a person’s goal:  ‘What do you want?’ or, in other words ‘What would be the ideal outcome for you?’;

• to encourage their thinking: ‘What could you do? … And what else? … And what else?’.

Curiosity should come from a genuine place of wanting to know more, and must not be used as a means for passive-aggressive communication. 

Notice also, in the questions suggested above, the first word is always ‘what’.  Starting a question with ‘what’ is a great way to ensure that we are not leading or imposing our own views onto the other person.  The parent or leader will always have a chance to offer their own suggestions once the other person has had an opportunity to think.

I also find that if we ask for permission before offering our thoughts: ‘Can I offer a suggestion?’, ‘Can I share what worked for me in a similar situation?’, the other person will be a lot more receptive to listening to what we have to offer.  This way they also have a choice to consider whether our suggestion is a fit and either accept it or seek other solutions. 

Time and patience

Both in parenting and in leadership, positive change takes time.  They both require patience, perseverance, and big doses of being firm whilst also being kind and compassionate.

In summary

So, there you have it – the parallels between leadership and parenting.  Most of the above also applies to our communications in other areas of life.  If we can turn up with empathy, compassion, curiosity, self-awareness, and an ability to be in control of our emotional responses, we would do well in our interactions with others, whether they be our team, our children, family and friends or others.  Simple… but not easy.  

One Question

What if one question could change your life?

One question changed my life in 2016.

‘What are you passionate about?’ asked my sister as I contemplated the career crossroad I was facing.  A revelation tumbled out of my mouth ‘To help others achieve things they may not have thought possible’.   This is what I had been doing for the preceding 15 or so years as a martial arts practitioner and instructor.  And yet, I never previously considered that I could do this as my primary vocation.  

That question was the beginning of a completely new professional and life journey for me, as I left my law career behind and entered the human performance and coaching space.

One question changed my life again in 2019. 

‘Whose rule is that?’ asked my coach.   It hit me like thunderbolt.  It was my rule.  It was me.  I was the source of all the pressure I felt.  I was creating my own suffering.  I was my own harshest critic and judge.  I was my own ‘bad boss’.  The minute I had this insight, it was like the pressure valve had been released and the emotions flooded out of me. 

That question brought so much clarity to my previously scrambled mind.  It was the beginning of a completely new me, a new way to relate to myself, and as a result my life was profoundly changed. 

I consider myself extremely fortunate, in that I ask life changing questions for a living. 

I work with driven women to create an amazing life.  I use questions to elicit their innate wisdom so they can overcome overwhelm, chaos and fatigue and step into calm, clarity and vitality.  From this space they are free to create the life that they love.

I ask questions designed to bring attention to what is most important to my client, resulting in better focus and reduced stress and overwhelm.  

I ask questions designed to lead my client to gain insights about which part of herself she wants to put in the driver’s seat in a given situation, which allows her to turn up empowered and courageously pursue the outcomes she desires. 

I ask questions designed to challenge my client’s assumptions about how a particular situation might turn out, which opens possibilities for different outcomes to emerge.   

I ask questions designed to reveal how a client’s unwanted behaviour might actually be serving her on some level, which creates awareness and opens up the path for change.

The list is endless. 

Sometimes the impact of a question is instantly apparent.  Other times, the shift is more subtle at first, but as we practice living into the question, over time substantial transformation can occur. 

The beauty of this is that the life changing advice or information comes from within the person answering the question, the same person whose life is changed.  This is because we already hold the wisdom, the inner knowledge and the guidance we need to change our own life.  Sometimes all that is needed is the profound attention of someone who has utmost belief and wholehearted confidence in our innate power and ability, to invite us to contemplate the question so that our answers can percolate to consciousness.  

For questions to have this magical life-changing effect, these essential ingredients need to be present:  (1) a problem or dilemma; (2) the question designed to crack open the problem; and (3) the person asking it who has the skills to hold a sacred space within which our most authentic answer can emerge.   

What if one question could change your life?

It can.

What would that question be for you?

Much love

Eva

P.S. If you are committed to creating a life you love by reducing overwhelm, chaos and fatigue and stepping into calm, clarity and vitality, then contact me to book a complimentary no-obligation discovery call.

Reinventing your identity

Each time we decide to pursue something or stop doing something that has been a consistent part of our lives for a while we are faced with a change to our identity, whether we realise it or not. 

Our identity is the collection of stories we tell ourselves, often subconsciously, about who we are, the kind of person we are, how we fit in the world and even what we are or are not capable of. 

There are a number of factors that shape our identity, some of which we have no control over, including events in our childhood, our upbringing and the social and cultural influences which shape us as we grow.   Invariably there will also be narratives incorporated from those around us who labelled us in certain ways – for example ‘smart’, ‘the sensitive one’, ‘good girl’. 

The narratives, ways of being and roles we took upon ourselves that helped us ground ourselves in our environment and find certainty and security as children often become obstructive in our adult life.   It is not uncommon for adults to operate under a set of rules, strategies and beliefs created by their seven-year-old self. 

In times of change or growth we can feel internally conflicted and disrupted as the old and familiar aspects of our identity wrestle for position with a new way of being we are contemplating.  This results in dissonance and discomfort, which might result in procrastination or inaction.

If we can develop sufficient self-awareness and self-compassion, we have the capacity to step back and observe this jostle and the accompanying stories that comprise our identity and voluntarily rewrite those narratives in order facilitate our growth.

Take the example of Jane (not her real name), who after a lifetime of being a self-confessed ‘people-pleaser’ is now stepping into her courage and power to start setting boundaries in respect of what she will and will not tolerate from other people.  There will be resistance on multiple fronts.  Those used to getting what they wanted or getting away with unacceptable behaviour will be in for a surprise.  Internally, Jane will experience resistance as the parts of her which used people pleasing as a coping mechanism, stage a rebellion and label her a ‘bad person’ for disappointing others. 

In the beginning, Jane will need to mindfully and consciously remind herself that setting boundaries and stepping into her courage is in service of her adult self, how she wants to turn up in the world and what she wants to model to her children.  There will also be hesitation and uncertainty as she defines for herself what her boundaries around specific situations and relationships are.  With time, the boundary-setting and enforcing muscle will strengthen and will become part of her new identity.

Or take Sarah (not her real name), who after decades of serving others and regularly going out of her way to do so, even putting her own needs and wants last, has realised that this has to change.   She has finally started to tune into and listen to her body.  And the body is telling her to slow down, to prioritise her own wellbeing.  Sarah needs to reimagine herself as the woman who puts her own needs and happiness first. 

Sarah has a challenging, yet exciting journey ahead of her in order to reclaim herself and readjust the expectations of those who are used to her running around to meet their whims.  I imagine the old ‘care-taker’ parts will not want to step aside too easily. 

I too have experienced this identity friction several times in recent years.  Around seven years ago my position as Legal Counsel at the organisation I was working in was made redundant.  This was a crossroad which prompted me to evaluate the direction of my life and what I wanted to do for work.  It was not simple nor easy to let go of the ‘lawyer’ part of my identity and gradually re-create myself as ‘coach and educator’.

One of the most powerful realisations for me has been that our identity does not need to be set in stone.  In fact, we can create new ways of being and new ways of seeing ourselves and the world.  This does not mean we have to totally abandon our old ways of being – there may be circumstances where we might wish to call on them.  The point is, we make conscious and courageous choices about how we turn up, rather than operating from a state of autopilot with outdated programs.

So, how do we go about reimagining or redesigning aspects of our identity, or creating new ones, as we grow and progress?  Here are some thoughts based on my own experience:

• As always, change starts with awareness.  A regular mindfulness practice allows us to become attuned to our inner goings on.  It also allows us to step back from our thoughts and feelings and view them as an impartial curious observer.  For more on developing self-awareness, see my previous article ‘The Power of Self-Reflection’.

• If we are feeling stuck or frustrated, we can look inwards with curiosity and enquire ‘Where in my life might I have narratives or parts of my identity which are not serving me in this situation?’.

• We can turn towards ourselves with compassion, acknowledging that the old narratives served us at some point, and give ourselves permission to evolve in order to move towards our growth.

• We can then make conscious choices about the types of behaviours and ways of being that will take us closer to our desired state or goal.

• A dramatic, swooping transformation is not necessary.  By taking small consistent steps towards our desired new ways of being, we can gradually rewrite the narratives that do not serve us and re-invent our identity or parts of it.

• We can seek out the support of someone who believes in us and our potential, such as a coach.  For me, working with my coaches through the years has been truly transformative. 

In summary, having awareness of the narratives that form our identity, having the skills to identify when they are not serving us and the self-compassion and courage to step outside our familiar ways of being in service of our growth will enable us to reimagine ourselves, how we fit in the world and reach for our potential.

Much love,

Eva

P.S. If you are feeling stuck, frustrated and overwhelmed and you want to step into calm, clarity and vitality, then download my E-Book ‘The Genki Road Map’ or reach out for a confidential no-obligation conversation to discover how coaching can help you step into courage and create an inspired, energised life.

On mindfulness

Last week, in a conversation with a professional woman in a busy leadership role, I mentioned mindfulness.  Her response was that she had tried it and ‘it did not work’.  I questioned her on what specifically she had tried and how it had not worked.  She said she had tried various forms of meditation but had not achieved the result of the clear calm mind that the instructors had promised.

I want to draw a couple of distinctions:

• mindfulness is not necessarily synonymous with meditation;

• the purpose of mindfulness (or even meditation) is not necessarily to clear and calm the mind.  

Mindfulness is not meditation

The word ‘mindfulness’ is used so much in the wellbeing and performance spheres, it has almost become cliché.

Although the benefits of mindfulness and meditation can overlap, meditation is only one application of mindfulness.  Also, mindfulness meditation is but one form of meditation.  The two terms are regularly confused or used interchangeably, as the references to mindfulness and meditation often closely follow each other.

What is mindfulness? 

Mindfulness is paying attention to our internal and external experiences in the present moment without judgement.  Mindfulness is about presence.  It is about unbiased awareness.

The purpose of mindfulness is not to create clarity and calm (although these can arise as a bonus).  The purpose of mindfulness is to notice our experience, whilst refraining from evaluation. 

The truth is, rather than being relaxing, mindfulness can feel quite chaotic (especially when we first start to practice it), as we notice the noise and bustle of our mind.  It can actually feel overwhelming to witness the frenetic bouncing and swooshing of our thoughts or the swirling, weightiness or constriction of our emotions.

Benefits of mindfulness

Here are some ways mindfulness can enhance our lives.

A richer experience of life:

Have you ever come to the end of eating a slice of cake or other delicacy and wondered where it all went?  You have eaten, it’s all gone but you missed the experience of eating it.  What about the little daily things we do on autopilot – making and drinking a cup of tea or coffee, having a hot shower or applying moisturiser to your hands?

If we were to slow down once in a while and actually notice our sensory experiences, we would have a richer, more attuned experience of life.  We can pause on our walk to take in the sights, smells and sounds.  We can savour a treat and feel the pleasure of eating it.  We can turn a shower or a hand massage into a mini spa session.

Doing what matters:

Have you ever had the experience where you have a goal or value but your actions seem to go in the opposite direction?

Do you pause in the moment when you are deciding between two options:  work out or flop on the couch?  Do you make that decision deliberately based on your goals and values, or do you operate without conscious awareness, then after a three-hour TV binge, regret the decision you made?

We can pause periodically and tune in to what we are thinking and feeling.  We can identify what is going on internally for us at that moment of choice.  Between our thoughts and our actions there is a powerful space, a place where we can consciously choose to pursue what is important to us.  It is the space where we can get out of autopilot and design our actions, so they can serve us better.

Reduce stress:

We can use mindfulness to ground ourselves in a stressful situation. 

Often stress is due not to what is actually happening, but due to our thinking.  We cannot change the past.   Worry and anxiety about the future is often coloured by our past experiences or exacerbated by our imagination.

We can pause, and tune into our breath and five senses to notice what we can see, hear, feel, taste and smell.  This practice brings us back to the present moment and what is happening right now.  By bringing our attention to the present moment we can exist in the now, an we can see that we are okay.  We come into a more productive place where we can gain perspective and choose the next best action we can take. 

Emotional regulation:

We can develop the habit of tuning into our emotional weather, to notice our feelings in a situation.  Our emotions provide us with useful information about our boundaries and the way we view the world.

We can observe our emotions with curiosity and without judgement.  We can allow our emotions to be as they are, even making room for them.  We will then realise that feelings, even the strongest ones, come and go like the weather, and that we are able to contain our emotions just as the sky contains the clouds and storms.

We can also use the powerful pause between a feeling arising and our actions, to become aware of our feelings in the moment and choose a conscious and wise response, rather than being hijacked by an emotional storm.

Self-knowledge:

The most life-changing outcome from practicing mindfulness is the attainment of self-awareness and self-knowledge. 

We get to know our thinking patterns.  We then have the power to notice whether a particular thought pattern is serving us to go in the direction of our goals or values.  This gives us choice in how to respond to our thoughts.

We become aware of and befriend our emotions (see previous article on Befriending Our Emotions).  This gives us the freedom to drop the struggle with our internal experience and do the things that are important, even when it feels difficult.

It is through knowing ourselves that we can set out on a path of our choosing and design our life.   

I will leave you with a little quote from me:

The breath is the way to mindfulness.

Mindfulness is the way to self-knowledge.

Self-knowledge is the way to self-mastery.

Self-mastery is the power to choose our response in any situation.  

Thoughts on Resilience

One of the things I have been doing over the last couple of years is design and deliver workshops on all aspect of the Genki Journey, including resilience, to private and corporate audiences.  This has been particularly topical in recent times.

Let’s define resilience.  One of the dictionary definitions is: ‘The ability to bounce back after a setback’.  When I ask my audiences what resilience means to them, the following comes up:  ‘adaptability’, ‘strength’, ‘recovery’, ‘ability to deal with change’.

As a bit of fun, I like to play this clip from one of the Rocky films, where Rocky is lecturing his son on resilience and says:  ‘It ain’t about how hard you can hit.  It’s about how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward.’   To me, this is a somewhat outdated way of looking at resilience.   

We want to be able to fight our own fight, roll with the punches, slip and weave and be clear on the reasons why we are still in the fight, why we still ‘keep coming forward’.  We want to be self-aware enough to choose our actions and nurture ourselves during the hard times.  Whenever possible, we want to turn up to the fight having trained and prepared for it.

In addition to becoming resilient by enduring hardship or challenging circumstances, I believe we can cultivate resilience through consistent practices of self-care and self-knowledge.  Ultimately, we are aiming for self-mastery – the ability to step back from our automatically conditioned patterns and respond flexibly and courageously in a challenging situation.

Self-care boils down to looking after ourselves physically through enough sleep, staying hydrated, eating healthily and leading an active lifestyle.  Most people know the things that they could be doing to improve their self-care.  The question is:  If you know what you should be doing, are you actually doing it?  If not, then why not? 

Self-knowledge in my mind is about being clear on what matters to us, being aware of our internal goings on (our thinking and our emotions), and cultivating mindset practices to prepare us for uncertainty and challenges.

Here are some of the practices we can adopt to cultivate self-knowledge:

• We can practice gratitude, which has positive effects on our moods and brains and contributes to overall increased happiness.  We can reflect on small things we are grateful for each day.  We can make a list of 20-30 things we are grateful for and keep that list handy so we can refer to it regularly. 

• We can keep a notebook with our progresses and successes, even small ones, to remind ourselves of how far we have come in times when there seems to be so far to go and so much left undone.

• It is essential that we periodically do the reflection and deep work that is required in order to connect with our values, the guiding principles in our lives about who we want to be, how we want to turn up and the mark we want to leave in the world.  Being clear on our values helps us make decisions and take action with more clarity and confidence.  If you would like a copy of my Values Workbook, please drop me an email at eva@genkiproject.com.au .

• We should mentally prepare ourselves for uncertain times.  We need to keep in mind that even if we turn up as our best selves, in alignment with our values, we have no control over the ultimate outcome of a situation or the duration of an adverse event.  When we drop expectations about how things turn out, we are also reducing the likelihood of being disappointed if others do not do what we would have ideally liked them to do.  We only have control over our own actions, and no one else’s.

• In circumstances where we can foresee the obstacles (internal or external) we are likely to encounter, we can visualise ourselves overcoming those obstacles.  Note, this is not the same as catastrophising about imaginary things.  This is about realistic preparation, a Plan B, so we can still stay true to ourselves when we encounter a curveball.

• We can become aware of our internal dialogue and our emotions so that we can notice if we are getting ‘hooked’ by unhelpful thinking or letting difficult emotions get in the way of doing what is important to us.  We can practice and develop the skills that allow us to manage our thoughts and feelings and navigate our internal weather in a way that takes us closer to what matters in life and the kind of person we want to be.

There is so much more to write about this, however in the mean time you can refer to my articles on The Power of Self-Reflection and Befriending Your Emotions.

Resilience can be forged through the fires of challenge and misfortune, and we can also cultivate it through self-care and self-knowledge.  We can look after ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally in order to strengthen our bodies, minds and have the emotional management skills to help us through difficult times.

I would love your thoughts on how we can cultivate resilience.  Get in touch by email eva@genkiproject.com.au or find us on Facebook and Instagram.

Yours in the pursuit of Genki,

Eva

The many faces of self-judgement

‘Whose rule is this?’ asks my coach about my insistence that I ‘should’ be doing something in a particular way and to a high standard.  Looking inward, it strikes me ‘It’s my rule!’.

Later she asks ‘What did that mean about you?’, as we discuss an event where other people’s inconsiderate behaviour has caused me years of emotional pain.  ‘That I don’t matter’ I say through uncontrollable sobs.

My head felt constantly full and under pressure.  My priorities were out of whack. I felt I was not doing well at anything, even though I had a blessed life and everything I could wish for.

These were the moments when I had to face the excruciating truth that most of my emotional suffering was of my own doing.  These were also the cathartic times which set me on a path to becoming a happier, lighter, more confident person.

Self-judgement lurks in the background, it is a dark sticky blob that clouds many aspects of our lives, but is often unrecognised.  It is the deep sinister undercurrent of ‘not good enough’.  It can keep us stuck and unhappy in many areas of life. 

How do we get to see it?   I credit the work I did with my wonderful coach and the books of Brene Brown for helping me illuminate this issue for myself and boosting me towards a freer, more self-nurturing way of being. 

The first step is to look into it, shine a light on it and become curious.  To ask ourselves ‘What is really going on here?’.  Once I recognised self-judgment for what it was and the damaging effects it was having on my life, I was able to gradually face the many ways I was judging myself.  Over time my life began to shift.  It was not easy work (and it is still ongoing), but in many ways it is actually quite simple. 

So, how does self-judgment show up in our lives?  Here are some manifestations I have been able to identify.  At various times I believe most of us, especially driven high-performing women, carry a combination of these.

• Mother’s guilt - thinking that we deserve less, or that we should put ourselves, our needs, wants and desires, last because we are mothers.  This is an important topic, which warrants its own article - coming soon.

• Living out of rules – it is useful to reflect on how many things we do because we think we ‘should’ or ‘must’ do them.  We then judge ourselves ‘not good enough’ if we do not do these things or succeed at them.

• Perfectionism or impossibly high standards – this can be the killer of progress and self-confidence, as we delay taking action on important projects because we pre-empt that the result will not be perfect.  It can also manifest as a general sense of being stuck – wanting to move forward, but not quite sure why it is not happening.  

• Overt harsh self-talk – we might become aware of this on occasions when in spite of our good efforts, things did not go our way.  We possibly recognise this internal voice as being similar to the voice of a critical teacher or disciplining parent.  If we listen closely however, we would likely also hear this voice pipe up regularly throughout a typical day.  

• Inability to sit with our own feelings – this comes in the form of judging ourselves for having ‘negative’ feelings.  The result is that we try to squash, push away or  otherwise thwart emotions, often through unhelpful behaviours.   (See my article of Befriending our Emotions for some tips on this topic.)

• Misplaced anger or frustration – we might get angry at ourselves or others (children, spouse, colleagues) when our own expectations of ourselves have not eventuated.  This is connected to the perfectionism and high standards mentioned above.  Behind the anger is likely a judgment of having somehow failed in an endeavour or area of life. 

• Insecurity – we are afraid others will not like us or reject us.  This fear is a remnant of ancient programming when being expelled from the tribe meant certain death. It can also be based on the judgements we hold of ourselves.  It holds us back from living fully and authentically.

• Weak boundaries – the compulsion to always put others first, please people or keep the peace, rather than put our own needs ahead of others’ demands and expectations.  This is a sure way to allow our energy and joy to be sapped from us, and possibly become resentful. 

• Striving to the point of burnout at the cost of our own wellbeing and important relationships, having no regard for self-care.   This can also show up as reluctance to let go of impossibly high standards or turn to self-care even in the face of extraordinary circumstances, eg. exhaustion, illness or injury. 

• Inability to accept a compliment – when others give us genuine praise, we find ourselves unable to gracefully accept and appreciate it without adding a ‘but’ or other qualifier.  This is an example of self-judgment getting in the way of us seeing our gifts the way others do.

• ‘Impostor syndrome’ – the thoughts: ‘I should not be here’, ‘I am not deserving of this role/position’; and the accompanying dread of being found out.  Most of us have or will experience this at some point in our career. 

• Comparison – this is where we look at others and their accomplishments and judge our own lives or achievements as ‘not good enough’, ‘not as good/smart/ accomplished as…’, even though our own path, circumstances and progress are unique.  

• Excessive sensitivity to feedback – this is where we either fear receiving criticism or are hyper-sensitive to it because of the likelihood that we will take the other person’s comments personally, and interpret them as meaning something awful about us as a person. 

The result of chronic self-judgment is an unhappy life full of fear and unconscious self-sabotage. 

The good news is, we can identify self-judgment and call it into the light.

Looking back on that session with my coach, this was the day I saw some of the ways I was judging myself and also the day the solution gradually began to reveal itself to me.

The antidote to self-judgment, in my experience is a combination of the following:

1. Self-awareness – we develop self-awareness through the consistent practice of self-reflection.  (See my previous article on the topic of self-reflection.)  This is the ability to look inward with openness and curiosity and notice our thoughts, feelings and reactions.  When we cultivate self-awareness we are able to notice self-judgement coming up and call it out ‘Here’s self-judgement’.  By bringing awareness to it, we are empowered to choose a different response.

2. Self-compassion – allowing ourselves to sit with our painful thoughts and feelings and treating ourselves with kindness.  When difficult thoughts and emotions arise, we hold ourselves gently, perhaps acknowledging ‘this is hard’ or ‘this really hurts’.   By consistently practicing self-compassion we are able to develop self-acceptance and self-love. 

3. Clear priorities - knowing what is truly important to us.  Being clear on what matters most to us allows us to better organise our lives and prioritise our time, thus being able to pursue those most important things wholeheartedly.   We are also empowered to say ‘no’ and set boundaries.  We can then shed the guilt or self-judgement associated with not spending time on things which are not a priority for us at that particular time. 

Self-judgment can sneak up on us in many different forms.  By recognising it and treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, and focusing on the things we value most, we can reduce its negative impact on our lives and open up to a freer, more self-nurturing way of being.

Yours in the pursuit of Genki,

Eva

Befriending your emotions

From a young age we are taught to either hide our emotions or to supress them. We are told what we should and shouldn’t feel: ‘don’t cry over such a minor thing’, ‘don’t be shy’, ‘make sure you smile for our guests’.  

Feelings are divided into ‘good’ and ‘bad’.  We are encouraged to hold onto the ‘good’ feelings such as joy, love, kindness, and to push away, fight or supress the ‘bad’ or uncomfortable feelings such as anger, grief, fear and frustration.

As adults we find ourselves in situations where this childhood conditioning leads to thinking that being angry, frustrated, afraid or sad is somehow wrong.  We then have difficulty expressing how we feel and getting support or having our needs met.  Alternatively, we are unable to empathise with another person as we have trouble relating to the feelings they are describing.  On another level we might find ourselves unable to set boundaries and end up exhausted looking after everyone else but ourselves. 

All in all, this estrangement from our feelings leads to emotional suffering, communication problems and destructive avoidant behaviours such as binges, addictions and withdrawal from others.

So, how does befriending our feelings help us?

Befriending our emotions and allowing ourselves to sit with them and experience them, rather than battling with them or trying to push them away, brings the following life-enhancing benefits:

• By tuning in to what is happening in our internal world, we are showing care and interest towards ourselves and have the opportunity to develop self-awareness.  It is also the first step towards self-care, self-compassion and self-love.

• We have the opportunity to identify exactly what it is that we are feeling and take appropriate action in response.

• Our feelings communicate to us about what matters to us.  By allowing ourselves to experience our feelings with open curiosity we can tap into that knowledge and move towards a more fulfilling life.

• Fighting, resisting and supressing our emotions takes a lot of energy.  We can save that precious energy, and use it to move in an important, productive direction.

• We have the opportunity to validate our feelings and practice self-care and self-compassion.

• We are better able to communicate to those close to us how we are feeling and therefore receive the care we need at a difficult time.

• We have an improved ability to empathise with others.  We also develop the ability to sit with other people in a supportive way whilst they experience difficult feelings, without trying to change the other person’s feelings.  As a result we benefit from more connected relationships.

• We are better equipped to set boundaries for how we want to be treated and getting our needs met.

• We are free to respond to our feelings and better able to care for ourselves in the moment, rather than freeze or react.

How do we go about befriending our feelings?  Below are a series of helpful practices.  It is important that we practice these techniques regularly and during times when there is not too much overwhelm, so that we have them ready to use during challenging times.  Think of it as building up an emotional muscle. 

[Note:  If you are suffering from trauma, please seek the guidance of an appropriately qualified therapist or counselor in developing these skills.]

Here are the practices:

• It is helpful to recognise that emotions come, build up and then subside, like waves in the ocean, and just like the ocean can contain a wave of any size, so we can contain our strong feelings.

• When a feeling arises, we can tune in and see if we can name what the feeling is, and perhaps inquire into what might have triggered it.  We can practice naming the emotion.  Becoming curious also helps to investigate and better identify our feelings and peel back the layers.  For example, for me, anger can sometimes point to underlying fear; underneath frustration I might discover self-judgment or ‘not good enough’ feelings.  It can be helpful to do some journaling in order to uncover what really is going on for us.

• We can become curious about the physical sensations of the emotion in our bodies – where is it in the body, what does it feel like, does it have a texture, shape or colour, is it hot or cold, is it moving or still.  Observe those sensations like a curious child seeing a crawling caterpillar for the first time.

• We can practice allowing the feeling to be, we can sit with the feeling for a while even if it feels unpleasant.  Instead of resisting it, we stay in open awareness and curiosity.  We might ask ‘What feeling is this?’ or ‘What message does this feeling have for me?’.

• We can breathe into the site where the sensations are and ‘make room’ or expand around the feelings.  We might put a caring hand on the site of the strongest sensations and acknowledge ‘this is difficult, but I have room for it’.

• We can practice ‘anchoring’ during an emotional storm by bringing ourselves to the present moment.  Noticing what is actually happening right now, what can we see, hear, smell and feel, brings us back to the present and out of the imagined fears.

All feelings and emotions are normal, even the ones that feel difficult.  Recognising this can normalise our experiences at a difficult time and open our minds to the possibility of allowing our feelings to be there without struggling against them. 

Befriending our feelings can help us to get through tough times and become more resilient.  These practices can help us lead a richer, fuller life even in the midst of stress and overwhelm.

Personally, I have benefited enormously over the last few years as a result of practicing befriending my feelings.  It has helped me become a more patient parent, a better partner, it has made me a calmer, happier person and has greatly increased my self-confidence. I will share some of my learnings and experiences in future posts.

Yours in the pursuit of Genki,

Eva

The Power of Self-Reflection

Self-reflection, introspection or inner contemplation is one of the highest and most powerful abilities we as humans have. 

What do I mean by ‘self-reflection’?  To me, it is the practice of contemplating our own actions, thoughts, feelings and reactions to given situations in order to understand ourselves better and to be able to move forward with a deeper connection to ourselves and true self-acceptance. 

This is to be distinguished from self-judgment or rumination.  Self-reflection is a compassionate and loving observation of our inner goings-on, guided by genuine curiosity and forward thinking. 

Self-judgment is when we impose labels on our character about the type of person we deem ourselves to be.   These labels can be ‘good’ (eg ‘I am a kind person’) or ‘bad’ (eg ‘I am so clumsy’).  This is often done unconsciously and can impact our lives in profound ways, including by holding us back from pursuing important goals.

Rumination can take the form of living in the past, turning events over and over in our mind.  We might feel we have suffered some injustice and ask ‘why me?’.  Quite possibly we unconsciously allow those past events to overtake our present and dictate our future.

One of the magic things about self-reflection is that it allows us to notice self-judgment and rumination and name them for what they are.  This is the first step towards reducing their impact on our lives.

Self-reflection also strengthens our resilience as we are able to gain a better perspective on, and understanding of, our own role in how we interpret challenging events and difficult thoughts and emotions.   

Making time for inner contemplation is an act of self-care and signals to your whole being that you are worthy and important.

How do we do self-reflection in practice?  Here are a few ideas:

Writing

Writing down our thoughts and feelings unburdens the mind and helps us gain clarity.   In the process we are also noticing our thoughts and naming our feelings, which, in the case of difficult feelings and unhelpful thoughts, can help reduce their impact. 

We might ask ourselves questions such as ‘What thoughts am I having about this situation? What am I making it mean?’ or ‘What are the feelings I am having? Where do I feel them? How does it feel?’.   

By noticing our thoughts, we gain the power to identify which thoughts are helpful and which are not.  By ‘helpful’ I mean thoughts that are likely to move us into productive action, regardless of whether they are positive or negative.  We are also better able to notice when we are ‘hooked’ on unhelpful thoughts, and guide our actions in our chosen direction, rather than allowing unhelpful thoughts to dictate what we do.  Remember, irrespective of what we think, we always have the power to act differently.

By allowing ourselves to feel uncomfortable or difficult emotions we acknowledge that our feelings are valid and important, and we are better able to make room for these feelings so we can move forward.

Art

Creating art can be another way to connect with and express our feelings and emotions. The act of creation can provide that still, sacred space where we are able to observe things as they are, not as we or society judge them to be.

Meditation

Meditation is commonly associated with introspection.  There are a variety of different types of meditation.  One method for the present purposes is to sit quietly in a comfortable position, tune in to our minds or bodies and notice what thoughts, feeling and sensations arise with openness and curiosity and without judgment.  A useful technique is to say to yourself ‘there’s thinking’ or ‘there’s a feeling’.  Observe like a curious scientist without deeming things as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Coaching

Working with a coach can provide us with the opportunity to connect with our inner selves and can be beautifully transformative.  Simply seeking out the services of a coach is a powerful act of self-reflection, it signals to your whole being ‘You matter, I love you and I want to get to know you better’. 

A good coach will create a space of high-quality uninterrupted attention, deep listening and incisive questions.  This process helps us shine a light in the attic of our minds and hearts and illuminate the corners where we might not have ventured before.  We also realise that we already hold the answers to our own life’s tensions, frustrations and dilemmas and those solutions steadily emerge, allowing us to step into a future of our own design.  Coaching can truly bring the gifts of empowerment and clarity.

Note: Please note that there are circumstances where the services of a counsellor or therapist would be more appropriate.

Self-reflection leads to self-knowledge.  Self-knowledge is the path to self-mastery.  Self-mastery is the power to choose our responses in a given situation.

I would love to learn about your self-reflection practices.  Feel free to email me at eva@genkiproject.com.au or connect on Facebook or Instagram.

Yours in the pursuit of Genki,

Eva

How to get Moving - A guide for Busy People

Get moving!  Get Genki!

The human body is designed to move, and yet unfortunately our modern work and lifestyles mean that we end up scrunched up, stiffened and softened in all the wrong places, immobilised and sore.  This leads to a host of preventable conditions too long to list, causing unnecessary suffering and placing an enormous burden on our healthcare systems.

We agree that exercise is an essential and beneficial thing to do.

We know that exercise can benefit our health and extend our expected life span, even save our life.

We think we will have to start exercising “one day”.

So why not yesterday, today and every day after?

I believe we need to start seeing movement and exercise as an integral part of our lives rather than something we must do in addition to life.  Very few of us ask ourselves whether we intend to get dressed, shower or go to sleep today.  So why should exercise be in an optional category rather than a given?

We find excuses – lack of time, lack of money, the list goes on.  What about the true cost of doing nothing?

Exercise, like healthy eating (this topic is covered in another post) seems to have developed this mystique around it, which puts some people off as they might feel intimidated, and draws others on a hop-around to the latest fads and trends.  Others yet yo-yo in and out of exercise – getting excited for a while and then having the interest cool down over time, only to come back when the pants don’t fit and they decide to go on another “health kick”.

You might be among those with good intentions – at some point you have done the 12-week program, copped a face-full of sand and yelling from a drill sergeant at bootcamp, and have tried the shiny new studio down the road boasting “elite” training.  And yet nothing truly lights you up.

It is never too late to start regular exercise.  But do you want to wait and suffer the consequences of not exercising in order to get into action? Do you want to be the 40-something who cannot catch their kid or climb a set of stairs without feeling nauseous? Do you want to be the 50-something who develops high blood pressure, or type 2 diabetes?  Do you want to be the 60-something who develops an excruciating and debilitating slipped disk as a result of a sedentary lifestyle? Or do you want to be the 70-something who has a fall and and lacks the strength and mobility to get up?  You get my drift.  The answer is – we should be exercising at all ages. (By the way, the above examples I have given are not made-up for shock value – they are based on real-life people.)

So where to from here?  Here are some thoughts from me – you can take some or all of them:

1. Think of movement and exercise as something that you just do, like getting dressed in the morning.  If you are not currently regularly exercising, developing this thinking will take time. Work at it.

2. Treat exercise as something that is as important for your health as eating well or sleeping.  It is not optional.

3. Start with a short daily stretching or walking routine and gradually build from there.  What is the minimum you can add to what you currently do? 15 minutes? Do it!

4. Get outdoors as often as possible.

5. Find a good fitness professional to help you establish correct movement and lifting mechanics and to guide you towards developing some workouts and tapping into your potential.   

6. It does not need to be complicated.  Really.  Go for a walk.  Kick a ball.  Crawl and roll around on the ground (with the kids, with the dog or by yourself!).  Jump on a trampoline. Play.  Climb some stairs. Pick up something heavy (using good lifting mechanics) and see how long you can carry it, for fun.

7. Find something that you really enjoy and make it your special thing.  For me, this was martial arts.  There are so many ways to move: run, dance, yoga, martial arts, acrobatics, gym classes.

8. Set a goal that means something to you.  “Fit into X clothes size” or “lose Y kilos” are typical goals.  However, “be fit and strong and move with ease into my 70’s and beyond” is a goal that will keep you moving well and truly after the 12-week transformation has been forgotten.

9. Find the values that drive your health goal - that intangible boundless something like self care, healthful living, longevity, better performance.  The pursuit of a goal is finite, it can be reached, it can be ticket off a list - you can lose 5 kilos, get into a size 10, finish the fun run, then what?  By contrast, values are something ongoing you can live by on a daily basis. When we are deeply unhappy it is usually because values that are important to us have not been met.  Think deeply – why is your health important, what is the true heart, the essence of what you are trying to achieve.

10. Write a list of all the things that you believe are currently stopping you: time, money, the cold weather, the kids, the boss, laziness, excuses, etc.  Against each item, write one or two ideas about how you can get around that obstacle. Switch your thinking from why it can’t be done to how you can make it happen.

11. Remind yourself that you, and you alone, are responsible for your health.  No one else can get healthy for you!  No matter what else is going on in your life right now (with some genuine exceptions) you have a choice how to treat yourself, your body and your health.  You cannot control outside circumstances or some things that happen to you, but you can give yourself the best possible chance by doing the things that are within your control.

12. Stop madly running around meeting the needs of other people.  Make your health and well-being a priority.  Put your oxygen mask on first.  Make a regular non-negotiable calendar appointment with yourself.  Trust that when you are looking after yourself, your family, your friends and your work will also benefit.

For more articles and peak performance inspo visit www.genkiproject.com.au.

So get moving! Get Genki!

Goals and values

It is drummed into us that we should have goals.  Big goals.  Achieve your big goals and you will be happy.  Or will you?

Do you have goals?

Can I challenge you a little bit on the concept of “goals”? I find it fascinating that so many of us are so focused, so obsessed up on the idea of having and setting goals.

The question is, why do you hang your happiness on something that you may or may not achieve? Is there another way?

Recently I have come to believe that there is.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with setting goals.  What I am getting at is that its not the only way to be happy.

Consider this:  what if instead of setting a goal you were to examine your values and choose to live in accordance with your chosen values. So rather than setting a goal of losing five kilos you might find that the value of living a healthful life is important to you, and then you can start doing the things that would be in alignment with the value of living a healthful life – exercising, practicing self-care, eating a healthier diet, paying attention to how much rest you get.  Incidentally, the weight might even drop off.

Or, if you are thinking you want a family holiday to Disneyland, upon deeper reflection you might find that the value driving that goal is to bring your family closer together, to spend quality time and create beautiful memories. How can you do this now in small ways, without needing to spend the money and get on a plane.

This way, we can find alignment and joy from the small daily actions and we don’t need to move mountains to be happy.

How long does it take to get a black belt?

When a new student walks into our dojo (Karate academy) they will often ask the question: “How long does it take to get a black belt?”

At this point I usually explain that the real question they should ask is: “What do I have to do to earn a black belt?” or “What does the journey towards a black belt look like?”. 

You see, the reality is that the reasons and motivations why people start training Karate are not the same as the reasons, values and motivations which keep them training in the years to come.  In the early years the change of belt colour and the prospect of bringing home a medal hold some excitement and provide the vigour to keep going.  Beyond the black belt, mastery of the art and self-mastery become increasingly more important, and how we recover from the bumps and bruises of defeat provides an invaluable lesson for life.

As we develop as Karateka, we experience a forging of body mind and spirit and as a result the superficial initial motivations and values fall away to reveal a deeper sense of purpose.  This is also reflected in the grading requirements for levels beyond the first black belt, as we are required to contribute to the advancement of the Karate art by becoming teachers to others.

The value is not in the colour of your belt. It is in the profound transformation you undergo through the process it took to get you there, in the person you have become as a result of your journey, in the life lessons learned, in the friendships and bonds you create and in the ways that you contribute to the growth of others. This, I believe, is the true meaning of the Karate way and this is what ultimately matters.

So, to a new student I say: “Welcome to the family.  Enjoy the journey.  Yours will be a unique one.  I would be honoured and privileged to support you along the way.”

Motivation and willingness

Let’s look and motivation and willingness – two essential components of living a valued life and reaching for our goals. A third ingredient is action.

Motivation is the reason why we want to do something or achieve a given result.  Although motivation ultimately originates from within, it can be nonetheless be classified as internal or external motivation.   An internal motivator stems from within – this could be a strongly held belief or your values system.   An external motivator is connected to a benefit originating from outside yourself, for example the promise of an external reward, such as recognition or a trophy, or a societal expectation that we should act a certain way.

Motivation is why we behave a certain way or pursue a certain goal.

Willingness on the other hand, is the ability to accept the process with all its curves and grit that leads towards the result.  This is the ability to face the physical and emotional discomfort that is involved in pursuing your goal.  Willingness is not the same as liking.  You do not necessarily have to like the process to be willing to accept it. 

Willingness is being prepared to do what it takes to achieve the result you are after.

Motivation and willingness go hand on hand. Without a strong enough motivation there will not be willingness.  Without willingness there will be no action.  Without action there will be no progress, and ultimately, no result.

Pressing the ‘reset’ button

Most of us can relate to the relentless stream of stresses and responsibilities of life: work, appointments, looking after children, caring for elderly parents, community work, trying to maintain friendships, and the list goes on. 

Often, as we change between tasks and roles, we bring the worries of the previous events with us and let this affect our performance and experience of life.  Sometimes it seems that one thing just blurs into the others.  Who wouldn’t relate to taking their frustration out on our family when we have had a terrible day at work?  Or taking it out on a direct report after we have had a difficult conversation with our manager or with a customer?

At the start of every Karate class we have a short but very meaningful ritual:

We bow to each other and the instructor says “Keiko hajimasu” (Training has started) and pay respect to the founder of our Karate style.

We kneel and close our eyes for a short meditation.  We open our eyes and begin our Karate practice.

This short ritual for me signals the transition from the outside world to the world of Karate.  This is the switch that shifts ‘outside world Eva’ into ‘Karate Eva’.

I use this meditation to leave the outside world outside and set my intention for the Karate class.  This serves to focus my attention so I can get the most out of the precious time in my Karate practice.

The beauty of this is that we can use a similar method to shift and re-set ourselves when we transition between our roles and responsibilities in life. 

In each of our roles in life we need to bring something different of ourselves in order to make the most of our experience. You do not act the same around your colleagues at work as you do around your children, for example.  There are different sets of qualities you need to call upon when resolving conflict at work versus an argument at home.  You do not speak to your friends the same way as you would to a co-worker.

So, before your next meeting or before arriving home, or making an important call:

Pause for a minute.

Take a few deep belly breaths (keep the shoulders down and away from your ears).

Think and set your intention: Who do I need to be in this next interaction, what do I need to bring, what types of behaviours do I need to exhibit?

An example for me is the time just before I pick up my kids from school and daycare and we have to face the evening mayhem.  I pause and remind myself that I want to turn up as a patient, caring compassionate parent.  I also remind myself that irrespective of how I wish the evening to go, kids are kids and they will do their loud and random things regardless. As I have set that intention in advance, it is easier to recall it during the noisy chaos when I might otherwise feel tempted to yell (or collapse) with frustration.

In any given situation you may not be able to control how others behave or the outcome, but you can certainly be in control of your own attitudes and reactions. You are in charge of how you respond in the situation, and if you prepare yourself mentally in advance, you have a better chance to be the person you want to be rather than being swept away in the chaos and emotion.

Another ritual is at the conclusion of Karate lesson:

We bow to each other.

We kneel for a short meditation. 

On concluding our meditation we pay respect to each other and the founder of our Karate style.

At the point of our meditation I remind my students to use those few quiet moments to reflect on the lesson that has just passed, on what they have learned, what they have improved upon, and to acknowledge their own effort and progress.

In a similar way, we can pause and reflect during our busy day upon finishing a meeting, or exiting a ‘role’.  

This little but powerful set of rituals on reflecting on our previous interaction or activity and setting our intention for the next thing can be our ‘re-set button’, our mental buffer as we move from one activity or interaction to another.

What do we learn from Karate training?

A good friend of mine who was thinking about sending her son to Karate lessons recently asked me: “What will he learn from Karate?”. 

I took a deep breath and wet on a 15-minute ‘flow of consciousness’ about the benefits of Karate training for both children and adults. 

Of course, through Karate training we gain fitness and confidence, as well as leadership skills in a fun and supportive environment.  Respect and discipline in the dojo (Karate academy) underpin our practice and lead to respect and discipline in the outside world. Training consistently and striving for improvement is also a true metaphor for life – teaching us that through consistent actions we can improve and reach for a higher goal.  In tournaments we learn the self-mastery, courage and grit required for preparation and competition.  We also develop sportsmanship and learn how to deal both with winning and with losing. Those who join our dojo also become part of an international family where we nurture and uplift each other and share friendship and laughter.

I could go on and on, but let me tell you this story:

During the same week, I was talking to an accomplished senior Karate instructor (Sensei) and dojo owner who is also a professional woman and a mother.  She was sharing with me her ongoing journey of surviving some extremely traumatic experiences she had had with her health in recent years.  The events almost left her dead at a time when she had 2 small children, one of whom was just a newborn.  During that conversation she said: “If it was not for my Karate training, I would not have made it through.”

This was such an impactful statement for me, it will never leave me.  It demonstrates the power of years of training, dedication and grit, which can come through for us at a time of crisis.  We can lean on the mental and physical skills we have built through years of Karate training.

A lot of people who begin Karate training are focused on advancing in the belt ranks and the possibility of winning trophies.  I find that as we progress, especially beyond the first black belt level, the reasons why we started Karate are not the same as the reasons why we continue to train.  You see, the person who started all those years ago is no longer here, that person has been profoundly transformed. There are different values we have uncovered along the way.

The grades are merely goal posts.  The more important thing is how you change, who you become in the process of turning up, training, developing skills and self-knowledge.  As we mature as Karate practitioners we move from being a recipient of knowledge and instruction to being a source of knowledge and contributor to the development of others.  This is the true value of Karate.

Karate training provides a clear progression, goals that we can strive for.  But more importantly it can be a lifetime journey of growth, contribution and self-discovery.

After more than 18 years of training, coaching and competing in various styles of martial arts, I have no plans to quit.

Why rest can lead you to your best

Let’s say you are training for an event – a fun run, a martial arts competition or a marathon.  You are probably training several times a week to develop the skills of your sport – a running group or regular martial arts classes, as the case might be.

You wish to turn up at your very best at this event and have decided to invest additional time and attention into your preparation.  You seek out the support of a trainer or strength coach to guide you.  Naturally, you would expect that your training program would consist of technical and tactical training sessions (which you already do), sessions dedicated to strength and conditioning and sessions focusing on improving other aspects of sport performance as they pertain to your chosen discipline.

When an athlete comes to me for coaching in the scenario described above, one of the initial things we do is to assess what their weekly training and work schedule is likely to look like, including sessions with me, technical sessions and any other training they might do at the gym or outdoors. At this point, in some cases, to the athlete’s surprise, we start to look for sessions and activities that we can cut.  Yes, cut!  That’s a big one for someone who is used to training daily and some days, twice a day, to get their head around.  Often dedicated individuals striving for their best might have the idea that they need to do more, not less, in order to perform better.

You see, rest is as much a part of a training program as all the other components mentioned above. (So is nutrition, but this is for another post.)  It is absolutely vital that an athlete should have sufficient time to recover from the demands of physical training.  This recovery includes eating optimally, sleeping well, regular rest days, planned de-loading weeks and regular self-care and stress reduction practices.

In fact, it is during the recovery time, not during the training time, that the athlete’s performance improves, as their body adapts to the stimuli of the training sessions.

It is important to note also that when we train at a high volume and intensity, and work and have family responsibilities the balance can be very easily tipped into overtraining.  Once this happens, it can result in injury, and overtraining can be very difficult to reverse. This is why I work closely with the athlete and monitor for signs of overtraining, as well as guide them on how to self-monitor.

The point is, don’t be tempted to rush into training more or harder, instead look for ways to train smarter.  Take into account your work and family responsibilities leading up to the race and revaluate where you might need to re-balance. Ensure you build sufficient rest time and recovery protocols into your schedule so that on race day you can turn up at your best.

In summary, rest is an investment in your future performance.

YOUR BEST LIVING WILL BE WHEN YOU ARE AT YOUR BEST

As working parents we often fall int the trap of thinking that every minute we spend should be dedicated to our families or work.  We think that the harder we work, the better it is for our family.  Often we feel guilty taking time for ourselves for fear of how that will impact the family.

Although attitudes are slowly changing, our society still glorifies fast-paced lifestyles and work to the brink of burnout.

Working hard has long been seen as a sign and marker that you are looking after your family.  It is not to say that people should not work hard, good things take effort and dedication.

What I am talking about is the guilt that parents often feel when they take time for themselves – guilty for not being at work and producing, guilty again for not being with the family. Doomed either way. I have experienced this guilt many times over.

So what is the solution? There is no one simple way to answer this as everyone’s circumstances are different.  What I do know is that when I take time to do things that I enjoy (whether it be exercise, reading a book or going for a swim at the beach), that makes me a better person to be around and ultimately makes me more available for my family and for my work.

Here are my thoughts:

• Ask yourself – how am I turning up? How am I tuning up at work? At home? With my friends? Am I at my best and most energised? Is my mind clear? Am I fully present in what is happening in the moment? Or am I calculating and computing a number of other places and situations past or future?

• Regularly taking time for yourself is vital – to exercise, meditate, take an art class, go for a quiet walk, take a long shower or bath, read a book, go for a surf, or whatever gives you a break. Treat it as healing and restorative thing – you need to regularly recharge yourself just as you would recharge your electronic devices. 

• Enlist the support of your children and spouse to help you take that time for yourself.  When you show self-care and self-love by making time for yourself, your spouse and children will value you more.  It will also set an example to them to show the same self-love and care to themselves.

• Recognise that as a working parent those guilt gremlins will always be in your head, in your ear.  When you hear them talking their gremlin guilt talk, pause, acknowledge them ‘here are the guilt gremlins again’, or ‘here is guilt gremlin radio playing’, and let them talk their talk.  Eventually they may disappear.  Or they might not. Regardless of what happens, it is important not to fight them or argue with them, as this will only give them fuel and this will sap you of your energy.  Instead, acknowledge their presence and say ‘thank you gremlins, but I now have an important appointment with myself’ then move on to do what you need to do to get that precious ‘me’ time.

•   Investing in your well-being is investing in the well-being of your family.  When you are well, you will turn up well and able for your work and for your family.  Remember, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help someone else.

• The guilt gremlins might not be silenced, but if you know what is important you will take action accordingly despite the gremlins. 

In summary, only when you are at your best are you able to give your best to your family and work.  Therefore the time you spend caring for yourself and recharging is an investment into a better family life and a better performance at work.

The mind games of goal setting

There is nothing but the present moment.  The past is past. The future is not here yet.

Only now exists.  The present is only what we make it – it is what we create through our actions.

Setting a goal is one of our ways as human beings of looking forward to the future and envisaging a better possibility.  It is also a way to bring structure and meaning into our lives.

So, how can we give ourselves a better chance of achieving a goal?

My 18 years’ plus training and coaching martial arts and on my own experience with pursuing goals tell me the following are vital factors:

1. Have clearly defined and time bound goal.  This is where a good goal-setting system is useful.  My preferred ones are the SMART model and WOOP.  When setting a goal we should not only imagine the beautiful future once we reach our goal, it is also vital to consider the challenges and obstacles we are likely to encounter and some strategies to overcome them.

2. Be clear on the “why” behind the goal.  If we are guided by a purpose worthy enough, we are more likely to stick through the tough times. To discover this, we ask ourselves “why do I want to achieve this”? When we come to the answer, we ask why at least two more times.  This way we might get closer to the real purpose behind our goal.  It helps also to connect to the values that are guiding us in the pursuit of our outcome.  This way the journey will be a reward in itself, irrespective of whether we reach the physical outcome.

3. Having a clear road map, yet being flexible.  If we have a big bold goal, we may not necessarily be able to get there in one single leap.  We might need to gather skills or resources.  We most likely need to take smaller actions towards the bigger objective.  We probably need to establish new habits of taking micro steps on a daily basis. Each day we should have both the bigger goal in mind and the interim steps – what are the actions we can take on a daily, weekly and monthly basis to get closer to our goal? 

4. Having the awareness and tools to deal with the inner gremlins.  Some of us tend to give too much importance to the inner critic, thinking that little voice is us and allowing it to dictate our actions.  Just as with any other obstacles, we should be armed with strategies to deal with the inner sceptic and to do what matters irrespective of what the little voices say.

5. Allowing the past to determine the future.  The future is often coloured by the past and the meanings we attribute to events of the past.  Some of our past experiences leave lasting impressions (whether positive or negative), which we carry with us going forward.  The reality is, the thoughts and behaviours which served us previously may no longer be useful.   It can help if we become curious about what these things are so that we can identify them and seek out the tools and support we need in order to progress.

6. In the process of pursuing the goal sometimes we discover that the person who would achieve that goal has to be a different person to the person we are today, a person that we do not currently identify with. This requires a shift in how we see ourselves and turn up in the world.  This can be a difficult realisation to deal with, and once again, we need to become curious and may also need to summon external resources and support.

7. We discover something about ourselves that we do not like and we are not willing to go through the pain of facing it in order to come out on the other side and pursue our goal.  Sometimes we need to go through the pain of self-knowledge and self-acceptance in order to make progress. This requires courage and resolve.

8. Developing awareness and curiosity about what is truly stopping us, the real obstacles.  If they are physical, do we need to set and interim or different goal first? If they are internal (such as thoughts, feelings and self-talk) – can we identify them and start dealing with them. 

9. Having a support and accountability system is also of vital importance. How do we speak to ourselves when the going gets tough?  Who can we share your experience with? Is there someone who would call us out on your excuses, whilst also having empathy? If not, this is a structure that needs to be put in place.

The path to setting and achieving worthy pursuits is a winding path of self-discovery, of uncovering possibilities and shaping our identity along the way.Stagnation is easy.Growth is rewarding but can be painful too.Having a strong purpose, a bold possibility combined with a willingness to know and accept oneself, and a sound plan of execution made up of the tiny consistent steps.

On managing stress

I realise a lot has been written about managing stress.  But sometimes it is the twenty-sixth article we see that spurs us into action, not the first.

Our bodies and minds are exposed to numerous stressors on a regular basis.  These include the foods and drinks we ingest, the environmental factors that act upon our bodies, work and life demands, and our own internally generated pressures.  Our bodies respond to these stressors by releasing stress hormones in an attempt to deal with the stress and reinstate balance. 

Short-term stress can actually be beneficial, for example by providing the excitement and arousal needed to boost our energy required to complete a challenging project. However, it is well known that long term stress can be extremely damaging to our physical and mental health.

Therefore, stress management in my view is an essential matter when it comes to self-care. Here’s the thing, though: stress management is not a compartmentalised item, a pill we pull out of a box when we are feeling stressed.  Yes, there are many techniques we can call upon in moments of overwhelm, but for the most part, stress management is a series of lifestyle habits and practices.  Also, the on-call techniques will not be effective in an emergency unless we have consistently practiced them over time.

Some of the topics I discuss in my stress management workshops include:

1. Breath awareness and breathing exercises.  This includes re-learning to breathe correctly and various exercises aimed at activating the relaxation response in the body. Breath awareness is the first step to accessing mindfulness.

2. Practicing mindfulness.  By ‘mindfulness’ I mean not only meditation (which may not be a suitable option for some people), but also becoming aware of the present moment.  This means tuning in to what is happening outside our bodies, and inside.  This also includes developing the ability to observe our internal “weather” – the thoughts and feelings we have and the effect they have on us and our experience of life.  Mindfulness is the gateway to self-knowledge.

3. Getting proper rest.  I will repeat what has been said many times before – there are no shortcuts to substitute for a regular good night’s sleep.  Taking micro-brakes throughout the day and having the ability to re-set between tasks and roles are also beneficial in reducing stress. Learning how to fully relax is also essential. Breath awareness and mindfulness can be instrumental in achieving complete relaxation.

4. Regular physical activity.  Notice I did not say “exercise”.  Yes, exercise is part of it, but the reality is you cannot undo the damage of a sedentary lifestyle with three gym sessions a week.  Being active means taking regular movement breaks throughout the day and finding other ways to be active, in addition to the scheduled exercise sessions.  Walking an extra stop, carrying your shopping to the car instead of using a trolley, having walking meetings and active catch-ups are some examples of choosing to be active.  When we exercise we sleep better.  It is also an opportunity to practice breath awareness and mindfulness.

5. Eating well.  “Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.” – I love this quote by Michael Pollan.  As a rule of thumb, if it is packaged and has unpronounceable ingredients or numbered additives, then it should be avoided.  Avoid sugar, excessive salt and artificial ingredients.  Eat slowly and pay attention to your food, without screens and distractions. Yes, this means also taking a lunch break.  Approaching our eating habits mindfully and being well-rested increases our chances of making healthier food choices.

6. Reducing or eliminating poisons, pollutants and clutter.  In addition to the additives in food, we are bombarded with chemical stressors from cleaning products, cosmetics and emissions from our environment.  Choosing products free from harmful chemicals and becoming mindful of our consumption can help reduce some of that stress.  Decluttering our homes and work environments helps to create mental and breathing space and reduce stress too.

7. Living with purpose and in alignment with our values.  Very few people can say they live a life of their own design.  Finding our ultimate purpose can be a life’s work.  However, each day we can find a higher reason for the things we do.  Keeping in mind those higher reasons can make even the difficult and mundane tasks easier to bear.  We can also choose how we turn up and live in accordance with the kind of person we want to be in any particular situation.  Living in alignment with our values is possible even if we are not living our ideal circumstances. 

I appreciate that every one of the above topics deserve significant exploration.  Each is the subject of massive bodies of literature.  My point for the purpose of this post is that stress management comes down to self-care and life management. There may be some hacks here and there, but a holistic approach is required for lasting change.

There is so much, you say. Where do I start? Choose the area you feel is most problematic for you or the area you think you can benefit from most.  Choose a small action you can do each day and do it until it becomes a habit.  Then choose another action.  And so on. 

View self-care and stress management like the Harbour Bridge – once you finish one coat of paint on all areas, start again with a second coat.

The ‘science’ of healthy eating

Why does it seem that we need a science degree to be able to eat well and in a healthful manner? 

‘Eat this’, ‘don’t eat that’, ‘calories in, calories out’, ‘weigh this’, ‘nutrients’, ‘macros’…  It seems that everywhere you turn there is noise about food and eating. 

We deconstruct our food into smithereens. We pepper our language (pun intended 😉) when it comes to food with the latest must-have super-nutrient, or avoid-like hell baddie toxins.  No wonder so many people are confused when it comes to cooking and healthy meal preparation, as if it is some kind of mysterious craft.

We eat mindlessly, hiding in closets (I confess I have done this myself!), rushing, shoving food into our faces.  We use food for emotional comfort.  We chronically overeat, binge, give in to temptations, and then resent the situation.

We are facing an obesity crisis and the associated epidemic of dangerous and debilitating, yet completely preventable conditions.

‘Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.’  - this is the mantra so eloquently espoused by Michael Pollan, a best-selling author of several books exploring the topic of food and its history.  Could it be any simpler?

Simple does not necessarily equate to easy.  We are busy and stressed, and impressionable.  And Big Food knows this and constantly bombards us with quick solutions, often citing the latest super-ingredient on the package (omitting to mention the numbered and unpronounceable ingredients that are also contained in the product – you have to look for those in the fine print).

We have to eat.  We have to get on with life.  Food is fuel and more - it brings people together, it brings pleasure.  What can we do?

Here is my personal take on this topic, based on what I have read over many years, and based on what personally resonates with me.  Following these principles most of the time seems like a sensible approach, while allowing for the realities of modern life.

What to eat:

• Drink plenty of water.

• Eat things that came out of the ground or from something that was alive: plants (vegetables, fruit, nuts, legumes, whole grains), meat, poultry and fish (unless you are vegan or vegetarian).  These are the foods that usually do not need a label listing the ingredients.

• Choose organic where possible.

• Eat food that is as close as possible to its original state.

• Include plenty of raw food in your diet.

What not to eat:

• Avoid excess sugar and refined grains.

• Best to avoid alcohol.  In any  case keep it to a couple of standard drinks per week (easier said than done, I know).

• Avoid altogether - processed fats, artificial colours and flavours and other additives (usually listed as unpronounceable or numbered ingredients on packaged food and drink).

How to eat:

• Learn to know when you are actually hungry (as opposed to emotional or wanting to eat out of habit). 

• Eat when you are hungry, but not ravenous.

• Eat at the table (not in front to the computer or TV). 

• Pay attention to your food. Look at it, smell it, take the time to really taste it.

• Eat to the point of ‘elegant sufficiency’, not until you are full. 

• Get comfortable with feeling hungry - give your body an occasional break by skipping a meal or a day of meals (drink plenty of water on those days). 

• When you choose an indulgence, choose good quality, make it an occasion and eat as above – at the table, paying attention and with full enjoyment. No guilt!

In summary, tune in your body to ensure you are feeding it when it actually needs food.  When you are choosing food, ask yourself one of these questions: ‘would my great-grandmother recognise this as food?’; ‘will this nourish me?’; ‘would I feed this to my children?’.  Asking these questions should hopefully make the choice clearer.  Eating slowly and making a habit of eating until the ‘no longer hungry’ point, rather than the point of fullness, will help you avoid overeating. 

Your body is smart, listen to it!

For more articles and peak performance inspo visit www.genkiproject.com.au

Six sleep mistakes and how to fix them

We are constantly chasing better performance. We take courses, read books and consume content from a host of other sources, ingest and lather on potions and deconstruct our food to smithereens.  Rarely do we pause and think that one of the “secrets” to feeling better, having more energy and performing at optimum is in fact to STOP doing.  Stopping to rest (a topic in itself deserving another post) and, of course, sleep.

A note on sleep

We all know that sleep is our body’s way to repair and restore itself.

Living things on Earth, including the human body, are naturally attuned to the rhythms of light and dark – this is called the circadian rhythm.  When light stimulates our body, the brain thinks it is daytime.  This is irrespective of whether the light is from the sun or an artificial source such as electric lights or screens.  The body produces hormones (including cortisol, the stress hormone) in response to the light, which activate the body and prepare it for action. 

In a normally attuned body, cortisol levels rise in the early morning, peak around 9.00 am and then remain high through the middle of the day.  Around mid-afternoon, cortisol levels significantly drop and continue to drop as the sun goes down.  As cortisol levels decrease, this allows the release of melatonin (a hormone which helps us calm and sleep) and increases the levels of growth and repair hormones. As we sleep, the body repairs itself physically and mentally. Therefore, getting to sleep later or waking too early can reduce the time the body has to recuperate.

Common sleep mistakes

Unfortunately, most of us do not sleep enough.  Here are some common sleep mistakes:

1.       We are getting enough quality sleep.  We are not going to bed on time and we are not winding down sufficiently to enter deep restorative sleep. Working late, using screens and bright lights, and consuming stimulants such as coffee, sugar and alcohol, all contribute to the continued release of cortisol in the body long after the sun has set.  This in turn delays the release of the repair hormones, reducing the body’s repair time.  In the long run, this contributes to lower immune function and causes other disruptions to our health. 

 2.       We  are not creating the right sleep environment.  Everyone who has had a baby recognises the importance of the right environment to encourage baby to sleep.  Adults also need an atmosphere conducive to rest, including enough time to wind down, a bedtime routine, and a cool room free of artificial light, clutter and reminders of to-dos.

 3.       We are underestimating the impact of not enough sleep on overall performance.  Some people even boast about surviving on five hours sleep per night.  Lack of sleep impairs cognitive function and reaction times.  It is widely recognised that driving while in a sleep-deprived state can be as dangerous as driving under the influence of alcohol.  Chronic under-sleeping results in our body accumulating “sleep debt”.

 4.       We are underestimating the impact of diet on sleep.  As mentioned above, consumption of caffeine, chocolate, sugar and alcohol interferes with our ability to fall asleep and the quality of our sleep. Therefore we need to be more mindful of what and when we put in our bodies. 

 5.       We are underestimating the impact of sleep debt on diet.  Chronic under-sleeping (even as little as a couple of nights’ bad sleep!) disrupts the body’s hunger and fullness hormones, ghrelin and leptin.  This leads to more frequent poor food choices and overeating, which in turn leads to weight gain and, in extreme cases, obesity.

 6.       We are underestimating the impact of exercise on sleep.  A regular exercise regime can goo a long way to improve the quality of our sleep. Just be mindful of exercising too close to bed time, if you find that this keeps you up later. 

Effects of not enough sleep

My personal experience has been that, in a chronically sleep-deprived state, I become unable to control my food choices. My head is constantly fuzzy and I forget things easily. My emotions run like a roller-coaster.  My mind ruminates over minor incidents and snowballs them to catastrophic proportions. Small events make me angry and I am able to control my temper to a much lesser extent than in a rested state. There were days when I have had to cancel appointments because driving even short distances felt outright dangerous.  In summary, it is not easy being me or being around me for that matter!

Tips for better sleep

Some things we may not be able control, such as how many times the baby wakes up (although there is help for this out there). Other things we can put in place to give ourselves a better chance of repairing at night:

·         We should try to get to sleep by 10-10.30 pm. 

 ·         Bright lights and screens (TV, computers, phones and other devices) should ideally be turned off 2 hours before bed time and electrical appliances and devices should be kept as far away from the bed as possible. 

 ·         A calming bed-time routine including a warm shower, some calming music, aromatherapy, reading or meditation, can help the body and mind to wind down and signal that it is time to sleep.

 ·         Coffee and other stimulants should ideally not be consumed after midday.

 ·         A healthy balanced diet combining proteins, good fats, lots of colourful vegetables, some fruit and a moderate amount of wholegrains, as well as avoiding sugary desserts at night time, can improve sleep quality. 

 ·         Maintaining an adequate state of hydration by drinking plenty of water and limiting caffeinated drinks is also important. 

 ·         Incorporating movement and a regular exercise program as an integral part of our lifestyle is also vital for good sleep.

In the words of a good friend of mine: “Sleep hard!” 😊

For more articles and peak performance inspo visit www.genkiproject.com.au