It recently struck me that leading teams has a lot of things in common with parenting.
Here are some examples that came to mind:
Kind, clear, empathic
We need to communicate in a kind, clear and empathic way. Both in leadership and in parenting we need to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and discover what is important to them in the situation. From this space the other person feels heard and understood and is more receptive to our communication. We are then in a better position to communicate our request or the boundary that needs to be set and why they are important.
Co-create
In parenting and in leadership it is helpful if we involve the other person in the solution or in designing the next steps going forward. They then become an ally and co-creator, and are therefore more likely to take ownership of the project or change alongside the parent or leader and cooperate.
Signal a change is coming
In both leadership and parenting situations, it is important to signal an upcoming change or transition before it happens. Change and uncertainty are scary for us as human beings. Therefore, if we communicate in advance what is about to happen, what needs to be done and what is expected of the other person, we can put them at ease and are more likely to get buy-in and cooperation.
Bring three solutions
As a leader or parent, it is helpful to have a policy that before approaching you for help, your children or team members should come up with three solutions on their own. This way we signal to our people that we believe in their ability to solve problems, whilst we remain a source of support.
Sometimes we can get playful – we can give our people permission to come up with ‘magic’ or outrageous solutions, even if they will not necessarily be implemented. This will open up their thinking to new possibilities they may not have thought of previously.
Catch them doing something right
In parenting and in leadership it is important to notice the things that are going well and recognise what our children or team members are good at. As the saying goes ‘catch them doing something right’. We should then reward the positive behaviours we want to see more of. This way the focus is not always on the negative or what is missing or can be improved.
Calm communication
It is essential that we do not force important conversations when emotions are running high. When our emotions are in overdrive, we are unable to think clearly or rationally. It is better for both parties to take a break and return to the conversation at a later time when things are calmer.
This is where as parents or leaders we need to be in tune with our mental state and our emotional reactions. This involves ongoing work on self-awareness. Self-awareness leads to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge leads to self-mastery. Self-mastery is the ability to choose our responses in a given situation, rather than being hijacked by our emotions. (Click on these links if you would like to read other articles on self-reflection and dealing with our emotions.)
Vulnerability
Admitting our struggles or imperfections can be important factor for building our relationships and trust with our children and our teams. This does not mean downloading all our problems to them. Rather, it means we can share at appropriate times that we sometimes struggle too.
As parents we can say ‘let’s find out together’, or ‘even adults don’t know everything’.
As leaders, our role is not to have all the answers – our role is to lead our teams into drawing on their unique expertise and supporting them to get creative and resourceful in finding solutions.
Questions and curiosity
In both leadership and parenting, being curious trumps being directive or prescriptive. Curiosity essentially means asking questions, rather than jumping into dishing out commands or advice. Of course, there will be times when we must avert a crisis or look after the safety of our people – those situations call for firm directions or advice. (There are several great books on this subject by Michael Bungay Stanier, which I highly recommend.)
In most cases, curiosity will give us a treasure trove of information about the thinking and motivations of our people. They are also a tool for empowering and encouraging the other person to think and discover solutions on their own, eg:
when the other person is venting, to encourage them to express all their concerns: ‘What else?’;
when they mess up, instead of jumping into chastising or discipline, we can compassionately ask: ‘What result were you hoping for when you did X?’;
to discover a person’s motivations and values: ‘What is most important to you in this situation?’;
to get to the real problem: ‘What is the real challenge here for you?’;
to discover a person’s goal: ‘What do you want?’ or, in other words ‘What would be the ideal outcome for you?’;
to encourage their thinking: ‘What could you do? … And what else? … And what else?’.
Curiosity should come from a genuine place of wanting to know more, and must not be used as a means for passive-aggressive communication.
Notice also, in the questions suggested above, the first word is always ‘what’. Starting a question with ‘what’ is a great way to ensure that we are not leading or imposing our own views onto the other person. The parent or leader will always have a chance to offer their own suggestions once the other person has had an opportunity to think.
I also find that if we ask for permission before offering our thoughts: ‘Can I offer a suggestion?’, ‘Can I share what worked for me in a similar situation?’, the other person will be a lot more receptive to listening to what we have to offer. This way they also have a choice to consider whether our suggestion is a fit and either accept it or seek other solutions.
Time and patience
Both in parenting and in leadership, positive change takes time. They both require patience, perseverance, and big doses of being firm whilst also being kind and compassionate.
In summary
So, there you have it – the parallels between leadership and parenting. Most of the above also applies to our communications in other areas of life. If we can turn up with empathy, compassion, curiosity, self-awareness, and an ability to be in control of our emotional responses, we would do well in our interactions with others, whether they be our team, our children, family and friends or others. Simple… but not easy.